I’m lesbian and don’t want to lose my wife – but I can’t seem to stop cheating on her with men

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wonderful wife and I are lesbians and have been happily married for nine years. So why am I constantly cheating on her, with men?

We’re both in our forties and our own sex life is great. We know each other’s bodies and responses so we are always mutually satisfied in bed.

It’s loving and romantic, and afterwards we cuddle up and fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.

So I don’t understand why, every few months, I place an ad on a no-strings hook-up site and take myself off to cheat on her with men.

Sex with men is different to sex with my wife. 

It’s urgent and thrilling. I choose positions where I don’t have to look them in the eye.

The rougher and more impersonal the sex, the better, and the more I enjoy it.

These men don’t respect me, they often talk to me in a disparaging way, and I enjoy it, at the time. I agree with them when they call me “dirty”, or “disgusting”. I let them use me like a sex toy.

But afterwards I feel a wave of guilt, even while I’m getting dressed. I rush out of the room and call my wife, telling her how much I love her.

I usually stop on my way home to buy her flowers or a little gift.

When I see her, I fall into her arms, terrified that she’ll find out and dump me.

But after a few weeks, the feelings begin building up again. And then I find myself scrolling through the site for my next fix.

I’ve never had a relationship with a man, and I don’t think I want one, but I can’t seem to stop this desire.

Tell me what to do. I can’t lose my wife — she’s my soulmate.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re asking me for tough love so here it is – if you carry on, you will probably lose your wife.

It’s only a matter of time before she finds out and I don’t predict that she’ll be loving and understanding about so many acts of infidelity.

Just because you’re cheating on her with men, not other women, it’s still cheating.

And putting morality aside, what you are doing is dangerous. You’re putting your wife’s sexual health at risk, as well as your own.

I urge you to read my support pack called Can’t Be Faithful?

I also recommend that you talk about your sexuality to people who will listen without judgment – such as Switchboard (, 0300 330 0630).

They can also put you in touch with local counselling, support groups and social networks.

DAUGHTER FOUND MY IPAD PORN

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my daughter borrowed my iPad she discovered I’d been watching porn.

She immediately told my fiancée (her soon-to-be stepmother). I’m due to get married this summer but now I’m terrified the wedding will be cancelled.

I’m 64, my daughter is 20. This will be my second marriage. My fiancée is 47 and the love of my life. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

The worst part is that the woman in the porn video looked very similar to my first wife – the same colouring and the same hairstyle.

My fiancée has always been jealous of the years I spent with my first wife – even though many of them were unhappy – and she suspects I’m still harbouring feelings.

I’m not. It was just the first video I happened across.

My fiancée’s libido isn’t as strong as mine these days, possibly due to perimenopause. I don’t mind, but I occasionally use porn by myself to stop me coming across as a sex pest.

I hadn’t logged out of the porn site when my daughter borrowed the iPad. It was still paused on the last video I had watched.

Instead of coming to me, my daughter immediately told my fiancée.

They were both revolted and now neither of them is talking to me.

I’m sleeping in the spare room, and I don’t even know if our wedding will be going ahead. Please help.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m receiving more and more letters from men struggling with porn-related problems. 

Please read my support pack Pornography Worry, which explains why it can become such an issue. It’s understandable that your daughter was shocked by her discovery, but this is a private issue between you and your partner.

It’s understandable that your daughter was shocked by her discovery, but this is a private issue between you and your partner.

I know emotions are running high, but this doesn’t have to mean the end of a happy relationship.

I can’t predict the future, but I don’t see why, with work, time, honesty and openness, you can’t get through this.

Couples counselling might be the best way to start, so you should read my support pack How Counselling Can Help, which explains what it is like and how to access it.

You can also get help at porn addiction clinic The Laurel Centre (, 0207 965 7302) which runs an online workshop where addicts can learn how to rebuild trust with their partners.

I understand you might not be a porn addict, but the workshop could help you rebuild your relationship.

SEX-HELP CLINIC

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M so scared of my sexual secret being revealed that I’ve become trapped in a loveless relationship.

I’m 57, my partner is 59 and we’ve been together for six years. We live together in his tiny house, miles from my family and friends.

We met online and, at first, he seemed romantic and passionate. I fell head over heels. That’s probably why I agreed to a threesome when he brought it up after just two months of dating.

I wanted to show him that, even though I’m middle-aged and overweight, I could still be sexy.

The threesome was awkward and embarrassing. He knew the other woman but I didn’t and they basically had sex in front of me while I lay there alone.

When he asked me to move in with him I agreed – even though it meant leaving behind everyone I knew, and even my cat.

I gave up my job and got a new one near his house but it pays far less.

We go halves on bills but never seem to have money left for dates or holidays. He goes away with friends and I’m never invited.

He’s always badgering me to have another threesome, but I always refuse.

Now he says if we can’t have a threesome, he doesn’t want sex at all. He never calls me pretty, never says he loves me, never touches me.

The only reason I’m still here is that I worry he’ll tell everyone about the threesome if I leave.

I’m scared everyone would laugh and I’ll be humiliated. The fear keeps me trapped.

DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship sounds abusive. Your partner is unaffectionate, withholds compliments and tries to make you have non-consensual group sex.

If he’s not actually emotionally abusing you, he is extremely controlling.

Read my support pack, Abusive Partner, to help you see this situation more clearly and find out what your options are.

You miss your friends, family and your cat and you sound, understandably, very lonely.

Start planning for your future. Begin saving up money and look for a job back home. That will make you feel more confident about leaving.

Also, talk to your family about this situation so they can support you.