After losing interest in sex with wife, I slept with my personal trainer
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER losing interest in sex with my wife, I ended up in bed with my male personal trainer.
Now I want to do it again, and I think I may be bisexual or even gay.
I’m 47 and have been married for 20 years to a woman of 44. We have two grown-up kids.
In my youth I had several relationships with women and sex was never a problem.
But over the last few years my sex life with my wife has gone off the boil.
I’ve stopped feeling much desire for her and I find it hard to keep my erection long enough to have intercourse.
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I’ve made excuses, putting it down to work stress and ageing but, if I’m honest, I think there’s more going on.
For many years, I’ve fantasised about having sex with men and, secretly, I’ve watched gay porn.
I was brought up religious and tried to push these ideas out of my head, but they’ve never gone away.
Once, I even asked my wife to use a sex toy on me, but she was repulsed by the idea. I made out it was just a joke.
Recently, I started working out at a new gym after work.
My personal trainer is a much younger man, in his early 30s, and openly gay. Naturally, he’s ripped and very proud of his body.
I’ve found it hard not to admire his muscly arms and thighs, when he’s worked out with me.
Last week, he asked if I fancied a pint after our session. After a few, he got flirty and said he’d noticed me appreciating his body.
I denied it at first but he told me I had nothing to be ashamed of. We ended up going back to his flat, where we had unprotected sex.
It was even better than I’d imagined, but afterwards, I felt terribly guilty.
I haven’t been back to the gym since because I am so confused.
But I know I want to do it again.
Am I gay?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been suppressing your desires for a long time.
It’s possible that you are bisexual or gay, although sexuality is not always clear-cut.
Talking to someone will help you work through your feelings and better understand your sexuality.
My support packs on Bisexuality and Gay Worries will tell you more, and give you sources of help.
But regardless of your sexual identity issues, you are married. If you love your wife, it’s not fair to cheat on her, however confused you are.
Perhaps it’s time to be honest with her about your lack of interest in sex and problems maintaining an erection.
She may already suspect something is going on. She may even have some inkling that you are interested in gay sex.
Whatever you decide, please don’t have unsafe sex again.
You have put your own and your wife’s health at risk.
It would be a good idea for you to visit a sexual health clinic and get a check up, to make sure you haven’t caught a sexually transmitted infection.
