The woman my ex-boyfriend slept with is making my life a misery and stalking me – I’m afraid of how far she will go
DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman my ex-boyfriend had a fling with is stalking me, and I don’t know what to do.
I can’t get away from her. She’s always sending me abusive messages or pursuing people I’ve been romantically involved with.
I’m a woman of 36, she’s 29, and she’s been making my life a misery since I met my ex two years ago.
She had slept with him a handful of times a few months earlier.
But she became obsessed with me when she found out about our relationship.
At first I thought she was just upset watching him move on. She’d send me hateful messages and turn up at his house when I was there.
I assumed that, over time, she’d let it go, but it only escalated.
She started messaging my friends with lies about me, and posted vile things about me online. She even turned up at my work.
On several occasions, I calmly asked her to stop, but it only fuelled her more.
My ex never took it too seriously. As far as he was concerned, she was harmless, but he wasn’t the one constantly being harassed.
When our relationship ended eight months ago, I hoped she’d leave me alone.
It was all going OK for a while but then I caught the new guy I was dating texting her behind my back.
She had contacted him through social media after I put a post of the two of us up. I couldn’t believe it.
Ever since, she’s been up to her old tricks. I often see her hanging around the area I live in and I know she’s been creating profiles to bully me online.
She’s intent on making my life a misery and I’m afraid of how far she will go.
DEIDRE SAYS: Stalking is a serious matter. If this woman won’t leave you alone, despite the fact you’ve asked her to, then it’s time to take this seriously and report it for your own safety.
Otherwise, her behaviour may escalate further.
If you can, start to record the time, nature and place of any incidents with her. Building a timeline with evidence will help.
If you’re uncomfortable going to the police, contact the National Stalking Helpline (, 0808 802 0300), which helps anyone who is made to feel harassed or intimidated by another person’s behaviour.
Get in touch with Deidre
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FLING’S ROCKED OUR MARRIAGE
DEAR DEIDRE: AN emotional affair with my co-worker has turned my life upside down, and I’m struggling to move on.
I know now more than ever that I need to prioritise my marriage, but the woman I’ve become close to is on my mind all the time and it’s driving me crazy.
I’m 42, my wife is 39, and we’ve been married for just over ten years. We have two children.
Our relationship had hit a rough spot when a new woman started on my team at work.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined myself cheating in any way on my wife, but with all the long hours and late nights in the office together, me and this new colleague grew close, and I ended up confiding in her about my relationship.
For months our connection blossomed until we were constantly in contact, even texting each other in the dead of night.
While we never overstepped the physical line, I knew that what we were doing was wrong, and when my wife ultimately found out, it caused havoc in our marriage.
This colleague and I have kept our distance since then, but I think about her all the time.
I also found out that she has recently started dating someone new, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. How can I begin to move on from this mess?
DEIDRE SAYS: Getting over someone you have grown to care for deeply is difficult, and it can be especially challenging if you still see them at work every day.
As hard as it may seem to let go of your feelings for this woman, in time it will get easier. My support pack, Moving On, will guide you.
In the meantime, try to refocus your energy into rebuilding the trust in your marriage. It’s likely that your wife is feeling betrayed and she will need your support more than ever.
My support packs, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Relationship MoT should help you both.
HUSBAND’S SELFISH IN BEDROOM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband refuses to give me oral sex, and it’s causing a rift in our relationship.
I’m 52, he’s 55, and we’ve been together for 23 years.
We used to have a great sex life, but over time he’s grown lazy and making love has become a chore.
Every time, he wants to rush straight ahead without any foreplay, and it doesn’t satisfy me at all.
I know after all this time it’ll never be as passionate as it was, but I just want him to care about my pleasure, yet he always refuses to put any time or energy into it.
No matter how many times I’ve told him I miss oral sex, he always finds an excuse not to do it.
The worst part is that he expects it from me and doesn’t think I have a right to be upset about it. I just wish he would make more of an effort.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s unfair that your husband is prioritising his pleasure over your own.
Perhaps you need to talk to him, when you aren’t in the bedroom, about how much you miss oral sex and foreplay, so you can properly express how his reluctance is making you feel.
My support pack, Tensions Over Oral Sex, will hopefully help you both move forward past this issue.
HOW DO I FINISH WITH HIM?
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE getting back into the dating scene, I have been seeing two different men, and now I don’t know how to let one of them down gently.
The last thing I want to do is hurt someone, but i can see a real future with the other guy.
I’m a woman of 39 and became single for the first time in eight years after divorcing my husband a year ago.
Being so fresh out of a long-term relationship, I never expected to meet a man so soon, never mind two.
I have been enjoying the dinner dates and casual coffees with no pressure, but after a month of seeing them both, I know I need to make a decision.
Hurting someone was never my intention, but I realise it’s unavoidable.
How do I let him down?
DEIDRE SAYS: As hard as it is to break things off with someone, if you know you are not right for each other, you’re doing the best thing for the both of you.
The earlier you tell him, the sooner he will be able to pick himself back up and move on.
It’s ultimately exchanging short-term pain for long-term happiness.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, will help you to have this conversation with him.
