DEAR DEIDRE
I had affair with my old teacher – and now she’s pretending my daughter is her husband’s
One evening, we went for a few glasses of wine and I admitted I’d fancied her... saying goodbye, she kissed me full on the mouth
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD a passionate affair with my old teacher, but now it’s over I’m tortured by the thought she’s passing off my daughter as her husband’s.
I’m a single man of 29. I always loved my school drama teacher. I think she liked me too, but she was older and married.
She was 27 when I was 18.
I went on to make a career out of drama and got into teaching it myself, landing a job at a community college.
It made me so happy when I discovered my former teacher was also working there.
She really took me under her wing and showed me the ropes.
We kept things strictly professional until the summer production, which involved hours of rehearsals and working late.
One evening, we went for a few glasses of wine and I admitted I’d fancied her.
She laughed and told me she was flattered. Saying goodbye, she kissed me full on the mouth.
The following day we went out again, but this time we ended up at my flat and had sex.
It was incredible. We continued our affair while we worked on the school production but over the holidays our relationship fizzled out.
Months later, it became obvious she was pregnant. When she gave birth to a girl, I saw pictures on her social media. The baby’s eyes are the same grey-blue colour as mine.
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
Even my friends, who I’ve confided in, think she looks like me. I really want to be part of her life.
I found the courage to talk to my mum but she said to let things lie as I could cause lots of trouble.
DEIDRE SAYS: I understand your torment but eye colour does not prove paternity.
Even if you asked your colleague for a DNA test, she doesn’t have to agree – unless you are prepared to pursue her through the courts.
Think carefully about the implications of potentially becoming this child’s dad – for this woman’s marriage, her career and yours.
If you are sure you want to talk to her, be prepared that she is very likely to insist this baby is her husband’s.
You’d be wise to keep your personal and work life separate in future.
Working through your best next steps won’t be easy, so I’d recommend talking to a therapist who can guide you.
My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, gives more information.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
You can also send a private message on the Facebook page.
SHOULD I DITCH VILE PARENTS?
DEAR DEIDRE: I WANT to disown my parents after they embarrassed me on my wedding day – after also abusing me as a child.
They are both alcoholics and were violent toward me and my brothers when we were young, regularly beating us. They were also vile to one another.
Dad went into rehab then Mum had a health scare and stopped drinking. They are teetotal now but have never admitted how bad they were as parents.
I met my fiancé three years ago. We are both 27. We decided to get married in Spain but my parents said they couldn’t afford to come.
I saved extra money for their flights and they agreed they’d be there for me.
My father-in-law made a beautiful speech because my father refused to say anything nice about me.
There were no congratulations from my parents and they gave no wedding present. I felt so humiliated in front of my fiancé’s family.
Now I’ve heard my parents have booked a cruise, when they are supposed to be so hard up.
They clearly lied to me, as well as being the worst parents. Can I shut them out of my life?
DEIDRE SAYS: You can, but you obviously feel torn about severing these ties or you wouldn’t be seeking help.
Your mum and dad haven’t measured up to how most of us would imagine parents should behave.
You can learn to accept that, while they are your parents, you’re now an adult so they no longer have a say in how you run your life.
Work on managing your expectations. Expect nothing from them and you won’t be disap-pointed. My support pack called Abused As A Child explains more.
If you think you’d feel happier by cutting them completely out of your life, you can find support through , which helps people estranged from key family members.
HUSBAND PUTS JOB OVER ME AND KIDS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has checked out of our family life because he’s practically married to his business.
He’s 45 and has a fast-food place. He leaves the house early to go to the wholesalers, or sometimes the markets, to buy stock.
Two guys work for him, but he says they are unreliable, so he never trusts them to be in the shop alone.
We’ve been married for ten years. I’m 41 and we have a boy and girl who are eight and six.
They hardly see their dad and, when they do, they never know whether he’s going to be happy or grumpy.
He’s dead on his feet most of the time. On Sundays, he’s constantly checking emails.
I’m left doing all the admin for the house, cooking, cleaning and washing. I feel like checking out, too.
DEIDRE SAYS: Find a moment to tell him you would like to talk to him about something important.
Wait until the kids are at school and go out for coffee or breakfast – then tell him you’re worried about him.
Say you’re concerned for his health and that one day the kids will be grown up and he’ll have missed out on connecting with them.
Ask him whether he’s happy living the way he is. If not, suggest he takes more time off to be with his family and that, when he’s home, work emails are off-limits.
My Relationship MOT support pack may help him see something must change.
FINALLY LOST VIRGINITY AT 27 BUT IT LED TO INFECTION
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER finally losing my virginity three months ago, aged 27, I now have a sexually transmitted disease.
My friends say I’m a great guy, and I know that I’m kind and funny, but I’m not boyfriend material to look at.
I don’t give up, though, and am confident enough to chat to people on a night out.
Recently I went out with some mates to a club and knocked into a girl by accident at the bar.
I apologised and bought her a drink. She didn’t leave my side after that. We chatted away and I was nervous but couldn’t believe my luck.
She said she was 30 and that I was lovely, and she kissed me. She then suggested I walk her home. I went into her flat and she said she wanted sex. It was too good an opportunity to miss.
My mates were delighted I’d finally pulled but now I have a new problem – genital warts. Help!
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry that your first sexual encounter left you with this worry.
Genital warts are part of the human papilloma virus.
Many people will have HPV during their life and may not be aware of it.
But if you do have this diagnosed, it’s important to have it treated.
You can see your GP or go to to find your local sexual health clinic.
My support pack, called Sexual Health Worries, is packed with information to help.
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