I feel awful for hiding relationship with my cousin from our family – but we have the best sex
MY parents will never accept the woman I’m in love with. And not just because she’s my cousin.
I’m 22 and my cousin is 24. Years ago, my dad fell out with his brother.
I’m not sure why but it was so bad that if any of us kids mentioned our uncle’s name, we were immediately shushed.
So when I attended my granddad’s funeral last year, I didn’t recognise my cousin.
All I saw was a stunning woman with long blonde hair and a Love Island body.
By the time my mum told me that this girl was my uncle’s daughter it was too late — we had swapped numbers and arranged to meet.
Luckily my dad didn’t realise what was happening.
We started texting and soon began seeing each other secretly to go shopping or playing pool in a pub in the next town.
One night, she asked me to walk her home.
Even though we knew it was wrong, we began kissing.
It felt right.
We ended up making love all night.
It was the best sex I’ve ever had.
We meet at her home when her parents are away and it’s blissful.
I’m now hopelessly in love with her and I think she feels the same.
If she was anyone else, I would be showing her off to everyone I know.
But because she’s my cousin, I haven’t told a soul, not even my best friend.
My mum has twigged that I’m keen on someone and keeps nagging me to bring them home.
Do I risk telling my parents and facing the fallout?
I feel awful hiding my relationship and so guilty for getting together with my cousin.
DEIDRE SAYS: Although marrying your cousin is currently legal in this country, you will no doubt be aware that it is far from widely accepted socially.
Please also carefully consider the impact your relationship may have within your family.
I should make you aware that The Marriage (Prohibited Degrees of Relationship) Bill 2024-26 is going through Parliament at the moment.
If this Bill becomes law, it would prohibit the marriage of first cousins.
For now, you’re not doing anything wrong in the eyes of the law, at least.
The only barrier you’re facing is the family rift.
If you are sure your cousin is serious about you, it would be worth testing the water by telling your mum you’ve been seeing her.
You don’t have to reveal the extent of your relationship – just that you’ve been hanging out as friends and are developing feelings.
Ask her advice on telling your dad.
Then let your parents get to know your cousin as her own person – unconnected to the feud.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
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BOYFRIEND DOESN'T WANT TO PLEASE ME
DEAR DEIDRE: AS my boyfriend never seems to want to give me oral sex, I’m starting to panic that I’m ugly down below.
I’m 28, he is 34 and we’ve been together for a year.
We have sex a few times a week, but he will only give me oral sex once a month, if that.
I’ve tried talking about it but he fobs me off.
All I can assume is that my private parts are turning him off.
Perhaps my vulva isn’t as pretty as those of his exes, or that he’s seen on porn sites?
I’ve started looking into cosmetic surgery but it’s really expensive.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t rush in to cosmetic surgery.
It’s very unlikely that the sight of your genitals is turning your boyfriend off.
There is no such thing as “perfect” genitals – everybody’s is different.
It’s more likely that your boyfriend simply doesn’t enjoy oral sex, or doesn’t think he’s very good at it.
But it’s a shame that you’re missing out.
Look at the advice in my Tensions Over Oral Sex? support pack, which has helpful ideas.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: I LOST contact with my son when I became an alcoholic.
Now I’m sober and desperate to reconnect.
I’m 40 and my son is six, although I haven’t seen him since he was two.
The birth was traumatic, and my son and I almost died.
After the birth, I returned to my partner’s flat.
I was overwhelmed and – looking back – probably suffering from postnatal depression and PTSD.
My partner worked long hours, so I was alone all day with the baby.
I didn’t know how to be a mum.
To cope, I began drinking in secret.
Six months later, my partner came home one day and found me drunk.
He threw me out and as I had nowhere to go I became homeless.
The only other family I had was my brother but he turned his back on me too.
Over the next couple of years, I saw my son whenever my partner would let me.
Then he stopped taking my calls and I haven’t seen either of them since.
I’ve rebuilt my life.
I’ve stopped drinking, got a steady job and rent my own flat.
I miss my son every day but perhaps he’s better off without me.
I didn’t want him homeless with me or dragged through the courts.
That’s why I’ve left it so long.
But now I’m back on my feet, I don’t know what to do next.
Do I try to find him and make contact with my ex, or do I just leave things and hope that he will try to find me one day?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve done so well to get yourself back together and I’m sorry that you didn’t get the support you needed when you were suffering with postnatal depression.
I suggest you contact Both Parents Matter who can support you with the legal and emotional side. ( 0300 0300 363).
Try to focus on the positive, including the knowledge that it is in your son’s best interests to have you in his life.
You can also find help via Match – Mothers Apart from Their Children – ().
This organisation offers non-judgmental emotional support and help to mothers who are separated from their children for any reason.
CAN'T KEEP IT UP
DEAR DEIDRE: TURNING around my unhealthy lifestyle has not helped my erection issues.
I’m 65.
I began struggling to keep an erection two years ago.
I assumed it was due to drinking too much and eating fried foods.
So I overhauled my diet, quit booze and joined a gym.
But although things are slightly better, it’s still not perfect.
Could my slump be down to a mental issue such as performance anxiety?
DEIDRE SAYS: Erection problems are often worsened by anxiety.
It only has to happen once or twice for you to start worrying that it is going to happen every time.
Then you get stuck in a cycle of the problem making you worry, and the worry causing the problem.
Read my Erection Problems support pack.
It contains lots of tips on breaking this cycle, and includes several self-care methods to improve your erections.
Erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of serious health issues, so I would also advise you to see your GP for a check-up.
THE CHANGE HAS PUT END TO SEX LIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my wife became perimenopausal, she hasn’t let me near her.
I love her but I can’t take a lifetime of not having sex.
I’m 56 and she is 52.
We married in our early twenties and we have always had a fulfilling connection.
My wife had a very strict upbringing, so I was the first man she’d ever slept with.
But we suited each other very well, and our marriage was always passionate.
If we weren’t having sex, we were kissing, cuddling or touching each other. It helped me to feel loved.
About two years ago, my wife began to change. She started getting flustered or forgetful, and seemed to lose her temper quickly.
She also began to turn down sex.
I thought it would pass. Instead, it got worse. These days, if I reach over in bed to cuddle her, she squirms away. She won’t let me hold her hand – saying she gets too hot – and she gets angry if I watch her getting dressed.
I don’t want to become a sex pest but I can’t face another 30 years in a sexless marriage.
She gets grumpy if I even try to talk about this. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Menopause can change the way women feel about sex.
Decreasing hormones can mean it becomes painful, and the libido just isn’t what it was.
I suggest you read my support pack, Menopause Explained, which will tell you more about it.
Hormone Replacement Therapy could make a big difference to your wife.
She may want to talk to her GP and ask for a referral to an NHS consultant.
Some people feel that a show of affection always has to lead to something else.
So when you go to bed and instigate a cuddle, she might be thinking, “If I respond, he’ll think I want sex.”
I know it is difficult to have a conversation about this but perhaps you need to say that she seems different at the moment and the dynamics between you are changing.
Then ask what you can do to help and how you can make her feel loved.
Explain you are worried. If you’re not going to have full sex, perhaps you can find a compromise.
I’m also sending you my support pack, Sex Play Therapy, which has exercises recommended by sex therapists to help you reconnect in a gentle way.
