DEAR DEIDRE
My married lover is too scared to leave his family for me – should I give him ultimatum?
Should I give him a time limit to decide what he wants and have no contact with him?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY married lover and I are enjoying an electric affair – but he is worried about how his daughter, who is a similar age to me, would react if he were to leave his family.
It’s lovely that he is caring and concerned about her but all I can think is — what about me?
We’ve been meeting for secret sex for over four months now and he often talks about how he wants us to be together.
I’m deeply in love with him and can’t see a way through this.
I’m 26 and my lover is 45. We met through mutual friends and it was initially platonic, but after a few months he invited me out for a drink after work and blurted out how much he longed to be with me.
It was something that I truly wanted too. We ended up back at my flat and had the most wonderful sex.
We’ve been seeing each other as much as we can ever since that night.
His wife is more like a sister to him and they argue like cat and dog — but still I realise that what we’re doing is wrong.
He has never promised to leave her, but we have talked about it.
I have tried several times unsuccessfully to end our affair, but it is becoming harder to leave him and control my feelings of jealousy and sadness.
My lover is scared to leave the life he’s known for so long.
I know I cannot continue like this. Should I give him a time limit to decide what he wants and have no contact with him?
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, but I can’t think of what else to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: You know in your heart your lover has no intention of leaving his wife – at least not while he can have his cake and eat it.
Someone who truly loves you will respect you and commit to a proper relationship which is what you want.
It is time to put yourself first and think about what you want and whether it will ever become a reality.
You can’t know for certain that his marriage is as bleak as he says it is.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free?, explains the pitfalls of this relationship and will help you to take a step back and see this relationship for what it really is.
You can then decide whether an ultimatum is the way to go.
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HELP ME BEAT MY JEALOUSY
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE finally found someone I want to settle down with, but my jealousy could spoil everything.
I’m a 31-year-old man. My girlfriend’s 30. We’ve been together for a year and she is everything I could ask for and more.
Whenever we go out together, she gets a lot of male attention because of the way she looks. She is warm, kind and very attractive, and will talk to anyone she meets.
We have talked about our past. I know she doesn’t sleep around like I did, it is not her style, but I become very jealous when she speaks to anyone else.
She has reassured me so many times that she loves me and doesn’t want anyone else, but I find it hard to believe her even though I desperately want to.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve invested emotionally with this girl. She means more to you than the worthless sexual experiences you’ve had in the past where your feelings didn’t matter.
This time it is different, but you run the risk of losing her if you can’t control your jealous feelings.
It’s positive that you realise this is about your insecurity, not your girlfriend’s behaviour.
You can’t stop her from talking to everyone. Ask for a cuddle when you feel threatened rather than becoming angry and controlling.
My support pack, Coping With Jealousy, will help too.
WHY CAN'T I LAST IN THE BEDROOM?
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though my girlfriend doesn’t say anything, I know she must be frustrated because sometimes I climax before we start to have sex.
I am 23 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been together for eight months and have a great relationship apart from this one thing. She is lovely. We always have lots of foreplay, which is something we both enjoy.
Even when I last long enough to have intercourse, I can only manage to keep going for a couple of minutes at the most. I am always left feeling frustrated.
It has happened with previous women, so I know it isn’t anything to do with my current girlfriend.
I wonder if there are any tips to help me. It has dented my confidence so much.
I can’t help but worry that my girlfriend will leave me over this.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t panic. Reaching orgasm too quickly, known as premature ejaculation, is common especially in young men.
You can’t read your girlfriend’s mind but she may be frustrated for you, rather than with you.
Work at slowing sex down and making it feel less hurried. If you orgasm too quickly, talk about it, then show her how to arouse you again. This time it will take longer, and your confidence will return.
My support pack Want To Last Longer explains self-help tactics to train yourself to last longer.
HE WANTS A KID BUT I'M KEEN TO WAIT
DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH I don’t want to start a family yet, I am worried my fiancé will find someone else if I don’t change my mind and give him the baby he wants.
I am 23 and he is 24. We have been together for four years and are planning our wedding for next spring.
We both work full-time in sales for a large telecommunications company.
Even though we earn decent money, there is hardly anything left after we have paid our bills. I don’t think we are ready for children. Now is not the right time.
Not just because of the financial considerations, but also because we are still young and have plenty of time to start a family. I was the eldest of five children and I was expected to look after my siblings as my parents both worked too.
I feel I have done my time looking after kids for now. I know what a juggling act it can be.
It is hard work but my fiancé, being an only child, has no idea.
I love him so much and understand his longing for a family. I do want children with him and sometimes think it could be wonderful. But the more my fiancé puts pressure on me, the more I want to delay starting a family.
DEIDRE SAYS: Whether or not to have child- ren is a huge decision, one of the biggest you will make in your life.
After helping to look after your siblings, you know first-hand just how demanding a job it can be. It is entirely understandable you have reservations.
Talk to your fiancé once again and try to explain your fears.
Suggest you wait for an agreed time longer – perhaps a couple of years – or whatever feels right – and use the time to consider carefully whether you genuinely want to become a parent.
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