I’m a sex expert – here’s how to get the spark back in your bedroom no matter what age you are
IGNITING passion between the sheets is a sure-fire way of turning up the heat as winter draws in – but couples are shunning sex more than ever.
According to a recent survey, 45 per cent of people are making love less than they were 18 months ago or not doing it at all.
Tiredness and looking after kids were among the reasons given by 4,000 respondents to adult toy firm LELO’s poll.
Meanwhile, a Mumsnet survey found 36 per cent of couples in their 50s and 47 per cent in their 60s or older were in a sexless relationship.
Here, four women talk about their sex drought, while sexpert Kate Taylor offers bedroom tips for each age group.
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Generation Z
BUSY lives, box sets and hours spent online eat into bedroom time for the under-24s, while social media can also put pressure on Generation Z when it comes to body image.
“Comparing yourselves to others makes you feel unworthy, both in bed and outside it,” says Kate.
“Taking your sex life offline could be the solution.”
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MIND: A huge US study comparing data from more than 41,000 young people found sexting was associated with anxiety and depression.
Keep your phone PG-rated for a month to see if you feel better about yourself, your body and your relationships.
BODY: Exercise is the fastest way to boost body confidence, mood, sex drive and the strength of your orgasms.
And it will never be easier than it is in this stage of life.
For maximum sex gains, do cardio workouts that sends blood pumping to every inch of your body.
RELATIONSHIP: Invite them back for a coffee – and actually drink coffee.
Several studies have found a reliable connection between having caffeinated drinks and feeling increased arousal, with the effects kicking in after just 15 minutes.
If you want a little more spice, add coconut milk – it is believed to balance your sex hormones and increase your libido.
BEST DATE: Get competitive. Women especially become aroused when our competitive nature kicks in, so challenge your date to a board or video game and include frisky forfeits.
SEX TIP: Lube isn’t just for boomers – it’s great for you too, because it increases the sensations you feel during sex. (If it’s dulling your fun, you’re using too much. Try a pea-sized amount.)
Also, a water-based lube can keep things comfortable if a hormonal contraceptive (like the combined Pill) has lessened your natural flow.
'I'd rather enjoy a bottle of wine with my friends'
CALL centre worker Gemma Wilkins, 24, from Plymouth, hasn’t dated for six months and is enjoying a sexual hiatus. She says...
I met my ex, now 27, just before lockdown hit in March 2020 and we moved in together three months later. Most days we’d make love.
But when lockdown lifted we realised we’d become forced together too soon – good in bed but bad in real life.
Since then I have been a wary dater. I am focused on my career.
In my last relationship, which lasted four months, we saw each other a couple of times a week due to work and separate social commitments, and then we’d make love. I haven’t dated since.
Most of my friends are doing the same thing. We’d rather enjoy a bottle of wine with each other and work on friendships than chase men.
I see the drought as a sexual cleansing – I’m choosing to be single and enjoy it.
Millennials
MANY Millennials, born between 1981 and 1996, are juggling young kids with burgeoning careers and an active social life, which can feel overwhelming.
“With so much going on, Millennials can be left tired out and fed up by the end of the day,” says Kate.
“Juggling so many balls makes it hard to switch on in the bedroom when sleep is really what you want.”
MIND: Take stock of what you really enjoy in bed. No more people-pleasing – think back through your favourite sexual encounters and see precisely what you enjoyed, from the foreplay to the positions.
Swap lists with your partner and take turns to act out your favourites.
BODY: Pelvic-floor exercises – for men and women – improve your enjoyment and your performance in bed.
Women’s figures can suffer after pregnancy, and men’s often just get neglected.
Practise squeezing and releasing your PC muscles (the ones you use when you’re walking eight miles to the ’Spoons toilets) every day – three sets of 20.
RELATIONSHIP: Instead of brooding over resentments and competitive tiredness, make a positive effort to notice all the things your partner does for you every day, and thank them for it.
According to psychologist Dr John Gottman, unhappy couples miss a massive 90 per cent of the nice things their partner does for them.
Appreciation will warm up your relationship and raise the heat in the bedroom.
BEST DATE: Just go for a walk together – 20 minutes of gentle strolling is enough to lower stress chemicals in your brain that impede your sex drive, and release uplifting endorphins.
SEX TIP: Quickies turn lack of time into an erotic choice. Set the timer for 15 minutes and aim to go off before the alarm does.
The average length of time most UK couples romp for is only 13 minutes, so it’s manageable.
‘Lockdown love was bliss but now we’re so busy’
MUM Chloe McIntyre, 28, is suffering a love-making drought since the end of lockdown.
Chloe, from Melton Mowbray, Leics, and personal trainer fiancé Jack Gordon, 38, made love up to four times a week during Covid but that has now fallen to every two weeks due to a new baby, work and cost-of- living stress. She says...
Our daughter Clementine, now nine months, was conceived at the end of lockdown.
The pandemic meant long months at home and making love was a wonderful distraction so we’d head to the bedroom three to five times a week.
Our days were all love-making and walks, with Netflix and chill thrown in.
Since it ended things have changed radically.
Jack’s back working full-time and I’m looking after Clementine, trying to find part-time work and starting to study.
We’re both worried about careers and making ends meet due to the cost of living.
Generation X
THE average age for menopause, which leads to a drop in libido as well vaginal dryness, is 51 – and the natural sagging of age can knock your body confidence.
“People in the 50-60 age bracket often suffer from a lack of confidence that can have a knock-on effect in the bedroom,” says Kate.
“Learning to love your body is one way of getting your mojo back.”
MIND: Think and grow hot. Start telling yourself all the reasons you are irresistibly sexy, every day.
Research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that people who focused on positive qualities had higher self-confidence and reported better performance.
BODY: Get a testosterone blood test. After 40, men and women start to lose testosterone, which can impede your sex drive by the time you hit 50.
Other signs your levels are depleted include lack of energy, no motivation, thinning hair and low self-confidence.
RELATIONSHIP: Try something new. Experiencing novel things with your partner will boost the levels of dopamine in your brain and make you feel more attracted to each other.
Learn a language together, play a VR game, have dinner in a different room . . . try something different every week.
BEST DATE: Hit the pool. Harvard Uni researchers discovered people who swim in their 60s have much better sex lives than those who do not.
SEX TIP: Toys won’t have the same buzz as they did in your 20s because we lose some sensation down below as we age.
Invest in a super-strength vibrator that’ll restore your faith in technology, like Lovehoney’s Extra-Powerful Plug In Massage Wand for her (£79, ) or Lelo’s F1S V2 sonic-wave toy for him (£159.20, from ).
'Husband and I are like ships passing in the night'
CLARE MATTHEW’S sex life with police officer husband Robin, 42, has dropped off in recent months.
The couple, from Colchester, Essex, have children Sophie, 13, and Ben, 12.
Clare, 44, who works as a police detention officer, says...
We haven’t had sex for a couple of months at least. It’s all down to the current situation.
I spend my spare time trying to make money selling stuff on Facebook or Vinted.
In between having to work shifts, look after the kids and clean the house I just don’t have the time or energy for sex.
Robin works shifts as well so we’re often like ships that pass in the night.
We used to go to the cinema together, but I haven’t got the energy because I feel so low.
When we go to bed I turn my back and go to sleep and we barely even kiss these days.
My mental health has been affected because the cost of living means we can’t afford do nice things.
Robin has a higher sex drive than me and whenever I am not in the mood, he has always been understanding.
I’ve taken a couple of weeks off to try and get myself into a better frame of mind.
Baby Boomers
FOR older couples born between 1946 and 1964, there is the creeping problem of age, which can result in less energy as well as aches and pains “You’re probably the most relaxed and confident you’ve ever been,” says Kate.
“The only snag now is your body can’t keep up. Medications and illnesses can hold back your performance, but the good news is it’s usually fixable.”
MIND: Focus on enjoying the lead-up to sex. After 70, orgasms can start to feel shorter and less intense, so building anticipation is what’s going to move you from rusty to lusty.
Send erotic love notes. Watch more X-rated films and enjoy steamy books.
BODY: Check your medicine cabinet. Medications such as statins, blood pressure pills (especially diuretics) and anti-acid medications can have big effect on libido and sexual response.
Tell your doctor if you’ve noticed a decrease in your mojo since you’ve been taking them, so you can swap to a different medication.
RELATIONSHIP: Get your blood moving. Once a day, do something with your partner (or alone) that gets your circulation going.
Whether that’s a brisk walk, a competitive game of chess, watching a scary film or reading a racy book, just do it.
BEST DATE: Sex in your 70s is a gentle, joyful experience, not a race. Bring massage into the bedroom.
Heat relieves the pain of arthritis, helps you reconnect emotionally, and gives you time to become fully aroused.
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SEX TIP: If aches and pains are turning your “oohs” into “ouches”, try new positions in bed.
Girl On Top is great if you have a bad back, while Spoons takes the strain off your knees. Slipping a small, firm cushion under your bum during a session of missionary can relieve the pressure on your hips and deepen penetration.
'Like teens during pandemic but family comes first now'
GRANDMOTHER Marie Bovell, 55, isn’t bothered that she and her partner are experiencing a sex drought after lockdown.
Marie, from Cirencester, Glous, has been in a relationship for eight years and during lockdown they made love four times a week.
Now it’s twice a month, as seeing family and work take precedence. She says...
My partner is a builder and I am a receptionist and a singer.
For most of lockdown we couldn’t work or see my grown kids or the four grandchildren so, we enjoyed a resurgence in our love life.
We felt like teenagers. But it hasn’t been possible to sustain our bedroom fun now we’re both back at work.
Spending time with my adult children and the grandkids has taken precedence and we value family time even more after the pandemic.
We also have separate bedrooms because my man snores.
Now the stress of rising inflation and needing top up our pension pots is affecting every aspect of our life.
I tell my partner instead of nookie, take the garbage and sort the garden.
Twice a month sustains me now I’m too busy to fit any extra bedroom fun in.
