'INTENSE SHAME'
I had a stupid row with my 15-year-old brother over dinner – that was the last word I got to say to him, it crushed me
The mental health campaigner also spoke about 'a regret I’m always going to have'
BEN West was just 17 when the world collapsed around him.
In 2018, whilst revising for his A-Levels, he tragically and unexpectedly lost his younger brother Sam to suicide.
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The 15-year-old had been diagnosed with clinical depression whilst at school.
Now, mental health campaigner Ben has opened up to Fearne Cotton on her Happy Place podcast about his last conversation with his sibling prior to his death.
He said: “We were brothers - we argued a lot, got on quite a lot.
“But the last thing that happened between me and Sam, as he was leaving, I shouted something after him, as I was annoyed he’d not been involved in dinner.
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“That ended up being the last thing I ever said to him, this heated argument. And that just crushed me.”
Ben, of Staplehurst, Kent, is on a mission to ‘improve education and support for everyone’.
He told Fearne about the ‘excruciating pain’ of losing a loved one to suicide and shared how he now uses humour to help communicate deeply traumatic messages.
“I think [humour is] really important for me.
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“Losing someone to suicide and going through all this stuff, there’s not really much fun to have in that, it’s not a very fun time, but that’s not really me.
“I remember when Sam died from suicide, it felt like a ceremonial sadness and that’s not me.
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“I like having fun and laughing with people and so from the moment that this started happening and I started talking about mental health, I wanted it to be a fun conversation. I think it’s important to tell that side of it as well.”
Ben added: “Sam was diagnosed with clinical depression in September 2017, while we were both at school.
“When I was growing up, I had Sam and another brother Tom. We were all similar in age so we would play together, mess around together and slowly over time as we grew older, we just wouldn’t do that anymore.
“Sam was spending a lot of time on his own. He would spend hours, days and days and days just on his own in his room and really became quite secluded.
“He wouldn’t talk at dinner, he just wouldn’t get involved, he didn’t have the sense of humour that he used to have, with us at least. I felt like I’d lost him already.
“Then he was diagnosed with depression. I never talked to him about it. That was the last time depression was ever mentioned.”
How Ben turned grief into action
Ben West was heartbroken when he lost brother Sam to suicide in January 2018.
In memory of his brother, he began raising awareness of mental health to help prevent other families suffer the same loss.
He raised £45,000 for charity and with his Save Our Students petition campaigned for better awareness of poor mental health in schools.
Ben launched WalkToTalk, where people can walk while discussing mental health. The event in August 2018 raised £15,000.
An account on JustGiving raised £30,000 and Ben set up the Sam West Foundation to promote awareness of mental health.
Ben was also honoured at The Sun’s Who Cares Wins awards.
Ben got candid on the importance of opening up to those suffering with their mental health.
“It makes me quite sad that I didn't have the knowledge of what that was - that he’d been diagnosed with this really significant illness.
“There were moments where I felt like I wanted to talk to him. We would sit in silence and we were both thinking about it and wanted to say something but I guess that awkwardness of approaching that subject when you don’t really know what you’re doing, we never did.
“That’s a regret I’m always going to have.
“That shame of not having that conversation probably fuelled more of my campaigning than I probably admit to. That really played on my mind for many, many years actually.”
THEIR LAST CONVERSATION
Ben's argument with his brother just before his death became a huge weight on his shoulders.
“When things had started to settle, I remembered what had happened and thought ‘oh my god, he did it because of me, he did it because of that conversation’ and I went into this absolute panic.
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“I just remember panicking, feeling that shame and it got so intense, I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about it.
“Bear in mind we had police, detectives at the house, I was like ‘I’m gonna get arrested, it’s my fault, they’re going to arrest me for manslaughter or something’.
“It seems silly sitting here saying it but I was so convinced that I’d committed a crime that I was absolutely petrified of anyone finding out.
“I really, really was scared of going to prison and being arrested for this.
“For a long time, it was pretending that I was okay. Luckily for me, my family were incredible, my friends were incredible, I have so much awe for how those people were for me.
“But also the campaigning started - I realised I needed something fun to do.
“It took me years, I think four years later, someone else told me it wasn’t my fault, and that was the first moment I really was okay with it not being my fault.”
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society - from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others... You're Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, , 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,
- Mind, , 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus,, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, , 116 123
Reflecting on the very moment his brother was found unconscious, Ben said: “I don’t think people realise just how absolutely awful it is.
“For not just me and my family but the emergency services, the police, the fire brigade, the air ambulance, everyone that’s involved, it’s absolutely one of the worst things.
“We need to do something. Without understanding why we need to do something and just how devastating and traumatic it is in that moment, we can’t ever have a proper conversation about why we need to stop it.
“I think people need to understand what happened. It was just awful, absolutely awful.
“I thought it was a dream, I was so convinced it was a nightmare. That was the beginning of a huge, huge change in my life.”
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TIME TO TALK
Now, Ben is on a mission to encourage people to have more open conversations about mental health.
He stressed: “It’s really normal to feel nervous about asking people if they’re okay and I don’t think we talk about that enough.
“We have to come up with a bit of a plan - go away and have a think about what you’ve noticed.
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"Indicate that behaviour and go into that situation, count down from three, and just say what you need to say.
“Crossing that line is the hardest part.”
Help for mental health
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support.
The following are free to contact and confidential:
- Samaritans, , 116 123, [email protected]
- CALM (the leading movement against suicide in men) , 0800 585 858
- Papyrus (prevention of young suicide), 0800 068 41 41
- Shout (for support of all mental health) , text 85258 to start a conversation
Mind,, provide information about types of mental health problems and where to get help for them. Email [email protected] or call the infoline on 0300 123 3393 (UK landline calls are charged at local rates, and charges from mobile phones will vary).
run a free, confidential parents helpline on 0808 802 5544 for parents or carers worried about how a child or young person is feeling or behaving. The website has a chat option too.
Rethink Mental Illness, , gives advice and information service offers practical advice on a wide range of topics such as The Mental Health Act, social care, welfare benefits, and carers rights. Use its website or call 0300 5000 927 (calls are charged at your local rate).
Heads Together, , is the a mental health initiative spearheaded by The Royal Foundation of The Prince and Princess of Wales.
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