My married work lover has turned into stalker
Dear Deidre
I’M having an affair with a colleague but he is controlling – and has been
married for 25 years and is still with his wife.
I’m a 39-year-old single mum with a daughter of nine and have had a series of
failed relationships.
I met my lover six months ago when I moved into his section at work. He’s 51
and I was immediately drawn to him.
I told him I’d developed feelings for him. He said he felt the same but he
wouldn’t start an affair, as he and his wife were “best friends”.
But out of the blue one day he suggested we go for a drink. I agreed and loved
just being with him.
Three days later he turned up at my door late at night. He said he had fallen
in love with me. We ended up having amazing sex. I couldn’t believe I was in
his arms at last.
I didn’t feel guilty, as he’d told me he and his wife hadn’t had sex for
years.
But he then started to become obsessive. He’d linger outside my office at work
and call on me at home at weird times, as if to check no one else was there.
He told me he was going to tell his wife about us and that, if he was about to
throw away 25 years’ marriage, he wanted to know he had total commitment
from me.
I told him we needed to know each other better before he made such a huge
decision.
He then accused me of texting other men and being on dating sites. He told me
he had seen me out with other men too.
I was speechless. He even said that my daughter has told him I’ve been seeing
other men. It’s all in his head but he’s made more accusations since. I am
devastated.
I have told him that I want us to be over — but as soon as he leaves, I can’t
help wanting him back.
DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe his lack of commitment to you – or his wife – makes
him paranoid. But this is abuse. He is causing you emotional damage, and the
situation is very harmful for your daughter. There is a risk he may turn
violent.
You may find it hard to protect your feelings but you must protect your
daughter. Tell him you must stop seeing one another. Block his number, avoid
him at work and ask to be moved if that helps.
If he doesn’t back off, contact the National Stalking Helpline (,
0808 802 0300).
My e-leaflet Social Life For Single Parents will also help.
Dear Deidre
I’M a man of 23 and have been having sex with a guy I met in a bar. But he’s
married with a child and another on the way.
My lover is 35. We first met a year ago. I wasn’t really looking for anything
– it just kind of happened as, after a few drinks, I suggested to this guy
that we go back to mine.
He agreed and we spent a few hours having amazing sex.
We’re still seeing one another. I’ve struggled with my sexuality for some time
but I have strong feelings for him. He says he feels the same.
I know I should stop but I can’t. I feel disgusted.
DEIDRE SAYS: The problem isn’t your sexuality but that this guy is a
married dad. Maybe he is struggling, too, but he’s off-limits.
It will help to talk with someone who really understands.
Find support through Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline (,
0300 330 0630).
He texts girls but wants me
Dear Deidre
MY ex-boyfriend wants us to try again but I keep asking whether a leopard can
change its spots?
We’re both 24 and had been together for two years but split after I found he’d
been sending sexually explicit messages to other girls.
I was beginning to pick myself up and had met someone new when my ex messaged
me. He keeps asking if we can try again. I am very worried about how my
family would react. Is he for real?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’d be wary, as I think it could be jealousy. Don’t start
seeing your ex behind your new guy’s back.
If the new relationship doesn’t work out, be firm with your ex that he only
gets another chance if he’s prepared to work at wooing you again and
rebuilding your trust.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend is either too tired, not in the mood, or worries the neighbours
will hear us when it comes to having sex with me. She makes up every excuse.
We are both 22 and have been together for almost two years. We work hard and
have a good, loving relationship but the sexual side is dead – she seems to
have lost her drive.
I love this girl and want to marry her, settle down and have a family but
going three to four weeks before we have sex again is taking its toll.
I am totally fed up and frustrated. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your sex life clearly isn’t working for her in some way.
Ask her what lies behind her loss of sex drive. It could be you need to
change technique.
Kissing and cuddling each other with no pressure to have sex at first is a
start.
My e-leaflet Has She Gone Off Sex? will help.
Teenage trouble
Dear Deidre
MY mum says my boyfriend raped me because he wouldn’t stop having sex when I
said he was hurting me. It’s not the first time.
I ended our relationship because of how he treated me when we were having sex.
Mum said it was rape and that it’s my choice whether I report him for it.
I am 17 and my boyfriend is 19. I still love him and he feels the same but my
parents don’t want us to be together. What do I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: If he continued having sex with you when you had asked him
to stop, then it was rape. He may say he loves you but he’s not been
treating you in a loving way. That is dangerous.
I don’t think you should stay with him and I believe he needs to learn that
his behaviour is utterly wrong.
But you need to decide what’s right for you. Talk to Rape Crisis (0808 802
9999 ).
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend has finished with me because she wants to go travelling. I’m
trying to hold on to something I can’t have but I’m desperate.
I’m 18, she’s 17 and planning to go to uni after a gap year. I thought we were
happy and we’d said we’d get jobs in our gap year.
She now wants to go travelling with a girl mate and wants to be single. She
said she may want to get back together afterwards.
I told her it sounds as though she wants to be free to do whatever she chooses
while away but without a guilty conscience.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is clear she doesn’t want to be with you but it isn’t
fair to hold out the hope of a potential future.
Tell her you can’t be a backstop, accept it is over and consider yourself free
to meet someone new.
My e-leaflet Moving On will help.
Get in touch
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply. Email me, private message me on , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). You can also follow me on Twitter .