Dan’s bizarre boob move sends our girl back to Justin – who’s rude to waiters, but snogs like a god
Follow the weekly adventures of our anonymous columnist as she searches for love via her smartphone
BRITAIN has gone batty for online dating – but can you find love at the touch of a button?
Last week, Sun columnist Tinderella, 39, joined Happn after a disastrous snog with Dan.
Will he be going Dan the pan this week . . . or does he get a second chance?
I’M a confused and hungover mess, folks – mostly because I’ve been kissing two guys.
Online dating was meant to be so simple.
I’d meet my perfect man within a week and Tinder would just be a laughable footnote we mentioned in the speeches at our MASSIVE wedding.
But two months later, I’m on three different apps and the messages, the emojis, the sheer bloody admin of it all are exhausting me.
It’s like a second job.
And now I like two guys at once without knowing which to go for.
On the one hand we have Dan – lovely, kind Dan who kisses like a labradoodle on Haribo.
And on the other we have Justin – a writer I met on Happn at the weekend.
Justin is a bit lazy, very funny, rude to waiters (major red flag) . . . and kisses like a god.
He also sends the filthiest texts, which I pretend to be shocked by.
We got talking on Sunday and because I was feeling spontaneous we met for coffee two hours later.
Coffee turned into a drink or two and, before I even know his surname, he’s snogging me at the bar as people look on in disgust.
The sheer guilty relief that it feels good and is slobber-free makes me feel bad about Dan.
But I still skip home at 10pm with a huge smile on my face.
Cut to dinner with Dan on Tuesday and a different night altogether.
While Justin makes me feel nervous and excited, Dan is adorably easy company as ever.
The only problem is I’m dreading our second kiss – and with good reason, it turns out.
As we walk from Pizza Express to the pub for last orders he leans in again and it’s every bit as knicker-dryingly awful as the first time.
Now I just feel like a slapper and I can’t handle it, so I’ll have to choose
I tense up and pull away pretending to come up for air while a panicky mantra of “Please God, make it stop” starts in my brain.
And Round Two is just as bad – only this time combined with a move on my boobs so bizarre it’s not fit for description in a family newspaper.
I like him so much but all the same I fled and texted Justin from my cab.
The next night, Justin takes me for dinner and we flirt outrageously again.
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He snogs me across the table this time – more disgust from fellow customers – and it leaves me giddy.
So now I just feel like a slapper and I can’t handle it so I’ll have to choose.
But which of them should I ditch?
The nice guy who needs a bit of work or the naughty boy who spells trouble?
Can somebody else please decide and then let me know.
I’ll be over here texting winky-face emojis to complete strangers while I wait.