We review the Volvo S80 (2007) from price to economy and all its features
New Me … Emma Parker Bowles drives Volvo S80
THE Volvo S80. Yawn. The End.
Actually, that doesn't clarify things enough.
How about this: The mid-sized luxury executive Volvo S80 family has a new engine (to add to the existing two-petrol and two-diesel line-up). It is the SI6 (short for in-line six), a 3.2-litre unit producing 235bhp and powering the car from 0-60mph in 7.9 seconds all the way to 149mph. Yawn. The End.
But that is what the Old Me would have said about the S80, because I wouldn't have been seen dead in a Volvo because my middle name was Danger.
I used to swim in shark-infested waters with hunks of raw meat shoved down my swimming costume just to get a kick.
And the S80 represents everything the Old Me wasn't. Everything about a Volvo screams "safe".
Librarian's car … super-safe Volvo S80
Or rather it whispers "safe" like a librarian. (We're talking safe as in "free from risk" rather than "yeah, wicked, safe".)
So the styling is safe and unlikely to cause controversy (unlike its slutty show-off competitor the BMW 5-series).
The handling is predictable, stable and safe. It is trusty and reliable.
It is one of the safest cars in an accident. And it provides protection and security from danger and risk. It is like a chastity belt in alloy wheels.
Grown-up, well-rounded adults buy a Volvo S80, so for one day only I tried to behave like one, hence the New Me.
I put all my prejudices about boring cars aside and looked at the Volvo S80 through new eyes.
And it looked good. I think it looks disgusting in that bogey-green colour they do but the test car I drove was black and it looked smart and expensive.
The entire side-glass panel is framed in a chrome trim moulding which makes it look quite elegant.
The interior is magnificent. Even the entry-level S model (there are five trim levels) comes with shed-loads of stuff like 16in alloy wheels, DSTC (Dynamic Stability and Traction Control) dual-zone climate control, powered door mirrors and windows, leather steering wheel and gear knob, remote controls for audio and the standard cruise control.
In fact, Volvo reckon the S80 has about £1,000 worth more equipment than its German rivals.
The cabin is a lovely place to be. Scandinavia is famous for its innovative interior designs and it is simple, functional and elegant.
It is Volvo's most luxurious car yet and it feels very relaxing in there. Almost too relaxing, because the seats are so comfortable you could snuggle down and go to sleep.
Luckily, it has an incredible sound system to keep you awake, whichever of the three versions you go for. And you already have Charlotte Church under the bonnet — that smooth in-line six-cylinder engine sings like an angel and is from Wales. Really, it was designed in Sweden and built in Wales. The New Me doesn't make jokes about that, either.
Being front-wheel-drive (instead of rear drive, like Ze Germans) the handling is very predictable, stable and safe.
The S80 SI6 comes with a six-speed automatic Geartronic gearbox as standard, allowing you to change gear manually or enjoy fully automatic transmission.
The build-up of power is smooth and gradual – a bit too gradual at times when the Old Me popped up and wanted to burn people off at the lights.
However, that didn’t happen very often. It was weird, but the Volvo S80 had a very calming effect on me.
Sensible … unassuming styling
That's the thing with Volvos, I have discovered - because of this whole safe thing, it doesn't tempt you to drive it like you stole it. You just waft about comfortably and quietly.
You feel like you have nothing to prove so you become as sensible as the car. And because a Volvo is so unassuming and unpretentious, you done irritate other drivers like a Beemer or a Merc can, so other motorists are more likely to let you in.
Even when the Old Me resurfaced and I pushed in a queue or performed a particularly cheeky manoeuvre, no one wanted to kill me.
So maybe it's safe in both senses after all.
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What to look out for when buying a used Volvo S80
One of the biggest issues with the S80 is premature tyre wear, and new boots aren’t cheap, so see how much tread is left.
Also make sure none of the dashboard warning lights stays illuminated once you’re driving; electrical glitches can lead to the dash lighting up like a Christmas tree, even when there’s nothing wrong.
The fact that the S80 has been recalled 25 times should be enough to horrify you, but Volvo issues a recall where rivals get their dealers to fix minor glitches at service time.
Also, many of the recalls were for just a handful of cars, but it’s still worrying that second-generation S80 owners have had to contend with a multitude of problems affecting their car’s electrics, cooling system, engine, wheels, safety systems, transmission and brakes.