Smart car v Joey Essex

WITH Chris Evans making such a cock-up of Top Gear, maybe the BBC should give this man a call. He’d be TV gold.

Joey Essex did his own mini  audition testing the new Smart  Cabrio for The Sun in Valencia — and he did it in true Joey Essex-style. Only Joey would think of  running around a PALM TREE five times — then try to beat his time in the car. See how he got on below.

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Only Joey would compare his  intelligence to a Smart car.

And only a “pro driver” could reverse into a gap just wide enough for a motorbike.

But without giving it too much thought, Joey had summed up the £13,265 Smart perfectly: It can out-turn a London cab, it’s clever and it’s a doddle to park.

Joey plays on being the dopiest guy on telly but I’m not convinced.

He’s savvy — and he’s switched-on when it comes to cars.

The former Towie/I’m A Celeb/Educating Joey Essex star saved a fortune on a year-old Range Rover Sport rather than buy new. And he only bought the private-reg ESS3X (I’m guessing north of £40,000) as an investment. He also loves two-seat Smart cars.

He said: “I had a Smart car for years and I feel like I’m back. It’s so easy to drive . . . nippy . . . oh my God . . . yeah, mate . . . it’s making me smile. I’m being serious, I want one again. I actually love this car. I have to get this in England. Have to.

“I used to enjoy driving my Smart car. It made me a happy person but I grew out of it because it was my only car. But as a second car,  buzzing around Essex, this would be sick. I think I would drive it more than my Range. Imagine it with the ESS3X numberplate as well! It would be beautiful. The Essex- mobile. The reem machine.

“And it’s easily affordable on finance, right? What’s it going to be . . . £170 a month? And it’s cool. It’s a cool car. To be seen in this car is cool.”

I told you the boy’s not daft.

The Smart Cabrio is actually £169 a month over four years, with £2,136 up front. Out next month.

Palm Tree Grand Prix

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THE floor is yours, Joey . . . “Right, let’s play a game. Is a Smart car smarter than Joey Essex? Is a Smart car smarter than me, let’s see.

I’m going to run around this palm tree five times. Then try it in the car. Let me do my hair quickly. Ooh, look at that. What you sayin’? On yer marks, get set, Smart!”

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Joey’s time on foot: 14 secs

Joey’s time in Smart car: 19 secs

(Not bad, the Smart car has a tiny turning circle of just 6.95m)

RESULT: Draw

Joey’s verdict: “I couldn’t lose. I couldn’t beat myself could I? I could only draw. Look how Smart I am, man.” (laughs)

Reverse Park

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IF you can’t park a Smart car, you shouldn’t be driving. But even I was impressed by Joey reversing, first time, into a tiny gap between two cars.

He said: “Easy! Nobody else can park here, only a motorbike, but I can. I can park in my Smart, mate. Haha! Maybe I’m just a pro driver!” (The Smart also has a reversing camera if you’re really stupid.)

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RESULT: Draw

Joey’s verdict: “I’m actually being serious, mate. I think I’ve fallen in love with the Smart car again. I think it’s sick. It’s my good friend. It’s my brother. I like you, Smart. We can both be smart together.”

What Time Is It?

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JOEY said: “There’s a lot of clever stuff in this car. It’s on the same Smart level as me. It’s got touchscreen, it can tell the time. I can’t tell the time.

Well, I can a little bit but not that well . . . 17 o’clock . . . what’s that . . . three, four, five o’ clock. Wallop. We can both tell the time. It’s got that eco start/stop to save fuel, it beeps to stop you crashing and  there’s a speed limiter. Which is pretty cool.

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People don’t like speeding tickets, you get points and  have to pay some money. But I’d say the  coolest, the reemest, the sickest thing is the roof. It goes up in 12 seconds. And it’s red. What are you sayin’?”

RESULT: Draw

Joey’s verdict: “Hmmm, this car is just as Smart as me to be honest.”

MY VERDICT: Smart guy. Smart buy.

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Q&A

Fancy a job on Top Gear?

Yeah, I’d be perfect for the job. I can talk while I drive. I’m sick at talking and I’m sick at driving at the same time. Get me?

What was your first car?

An old Ford Fiesta. It blew up two weeks after passing my test so I scrapped it for £70. Then in 2010 I bought a 2009-plate Fiesta Zetec in black. Loved it. But it got nicked. Then I had an 04-reg Golf and then my Smart car.

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What’s in your garage now?

Mercedes-AMG CLA 45 (above). It’s sick. Very boyish, very quick but it’s loud and it annoys my dad’s neighbours. I’ve also got a 14-reg Range Rover Sport for work. That’s nice, really nice, got a subtle body kit on it, nothing too mad.

Dream car?

Lamborghini Aventador in a reflective wrap. That would look sick. But  I don’t know if it would be legal.

Dream passenger?

James Corden. He seems quite funny with the karaoke.

Why? Do you fancy a singing career?

Yeah man (laughs). You know about Essex Anthems! Plug it.

Favourite driving track?

I go through phases. Sometimes rap,  sometimes house music. How about  German Whip (by Meridian Dan) . . . “see man driving a German whip blacked out  window, leaning back”. I tweeted it once and Ed Sheeran tweeted me saying, haha! yes!

How many points?

None. Squeaky clean.

Have you had sex in a car?

No, er, maybe. I’m secretive.

So tell me about the ESS3X numberplate . . .

I bought it as a long-term investment but it’s also a nice thing to own. It’s a cool  ornament. It’s my plate.  It’s good for my career, it’s my second name, I live in Essex and I come from the show The Only Way Is Essex. Why would I not buy it?