Biased, unfunny, smug…have I got boos for you, Ian Hislop
IN a very crowded comedy field, BBC1’s Have I Got News For You has now firmly established itself as the grisliest spectacle of lockdown.
Same captains, same hosts and same agenda.
All it’s really lost, since the arrival of Covid-19, is the studio audience, so instead of the applause, which used to mask many of the show’s obvious flaws, you now just hear five guffaws of self-congratulation from the panellists, who may be filmed in isolation but are definitely all still living in the same London media bubble.
It reached a crescendo, on Friday night, when Hislop, Merton, host Martin Clunes and regular panellist Janet Street-Porter were joined by Fin Taylor, from The Mash Report, because you just can’t have enough left-of-centre public schoolboys on this show, can you?
First deserving target for the night was very obviously going to be government adviser Dominic Cummings, who asked for the attention the moment he set-off on that ridiculous “diversion” to Barnard Castle.
It was no surprise at all, then, when Hislop, chins quivering with confected outrage, opened the show by announcing: “I’ve been trying hard not to be cross all week.”
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Cross? He looked like a man who couldn’t contain his happiness, so out it came in gleeful fits and starts, until he eventually concluded: “Mister Cummings, everyone is so annoyed with you and wants you to resign, you complete and utter fraud.”
Under normal circumstances, of course, I’d be wondering when exactly Ian Hislop was told to file comments on behalf of “everyone”.
On this occasion, though, I think it’s pretty clear he assumed the responsibility at the same meeting where Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis was appointed spokesman for “the country”.
Both talked with a clear sense of entitlement and no deference to the BBC’s own rules.
The one key difference was, Emily Maitlis’s outburst was over pretty quickly.
After about 15 minutes of Friday’s kangaroo court, it was quite clear George Floyd, America’s riots and China’s incursion into Hong Kong weren’t getting a look-in. The entire show was given over to Dominic Cummings.
None of it was funny, obviously. Have I Got News For You hasn’t been funny in years.
What still slightly surprised me, however, was that they chose to believe every single negative story the Press had written about him, last week, including some of the stuff which, like the police hauling him in for questioning, was clearly a load of cobblers.
Quite a contrast to the previous week when, based on one Mail on Sunday story, host Charlie Brooker asked: “Why do you think the Press has got it in for Keir Starmer?”
Apart from the fact the entire Press hasn’t got it in for him (it’s mostly indifferent), it’s the question’s assumption that gives the game away here.
The BBC and HIGNFY have already decided Keir Starmer is great and will not tolerate any dissent.
I’m grateful for it anyway, as it shines a light on the dumb equation that’s come to govern this show: Have I Got News For You believes every bad word written about the Government and disbelieves every bad word written of the Opposition.
BBC BIAS
If a satirical show is stupid enough to put every politician it agrees with (and even Diane Abbott) off limits, it’s guaranteed to fail, which is why HIGNFY’s time has come and long gone and it deserves to be jettisoned as quickly as possible.
For that to happen, though, the BBC would need to dismount its high horse, admit errors and bias and change its political culture entirely.
So expect it to keep coming back. Same captains, same hosts, same agenda.
Repeat ’til fade.
HAVE I Got News For You. Re: Dominic Cummings’ car journey.
Fin Taylor: “How does a four-year-old hold his urine in for five hours?”
He watches ten back-to-back episodes of Have I Got News For You.
Great Sporting Insights
- Peter Crouch: “You’ve got the big three in City, Liverpool, Spurs and Chelsea.”
- Alan McInally: “I genuinely believe Spurs will always be Spurs.”
- And Chris Kamara: “The atmosphere at Leeds is unique. It’s like Liverpool’s.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray, on Brighton seafront).
PRODUCTION claim of the year: The Sun TV Mag, Piers Morgan: “There’s just a handful of people in the Good Morning Britain studio, it’s the first time the presenters have outweighed the camera operators.”
Unlikely, Chubadub.
Hotel is a 'gold winner
WELL, there goes another eight minor celebrities who won’t be retiring to India any time soon.
The fourth time it’s happened on BBC1’s The Real Marigold Hotel, with a fifth, sixth and seventh intake no doubt in the pipeline, given we’re all picking up the bill.
Apart from the pretence, though, I don’t bear them too much resentment, as this year’s holidaymakers were outstandingly good value for money, entertainment-wise.
Personal favourites were: Duncan Bannatyne who, as only a Glaswegian can, turned yoga into a martial art, the charming Henry Blofeld, who waxed lyrical about everything, from his morning cup of coffee onwards, raising expectations about the day ahead.
And deadpan Yorkshireman Paul Chuckle, who would immediately flatten the mood with killer observations like: “The French quarter where we’re staying is, very obviously, French. They have croissants.”
The real grit in the oyster, however, was actress Britt Ekland who, apart from those moments when she was chasing after multi-millionaire Duncan, always gave the impression she’d rather set fire to her own Wicker Man than spend one more second in India.
Would she finally be converted to the idea, the last episode of the series asked, by spending a night at a luxury retirement complex, in the foothills of the Himalayas, with Henry Blofeld and Paul Chuckle?
Well, Britt arrived like a dry cough in the morning, but 24 hours later . . .
“This is my ultimate hell. I’m horrified by the thought of coming to live here. I had nightmares you all left me and this is life.”
So let’s stick her down as a “don’t know”.
BRITAIN’S Got Talent’s refreshment break, Simon Cowell: “Can I have some tea and a ginger shot?”
Certainly. Which one would you like shot first? Mick Hucknall or Kay Burley?
Taste of Big Mac and lies
WITH Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins finished, the title of “Best show on TV” was vacant for exactly 48 hours and two minutes before it was grabbed by Special Agent Doug Mathews on behalf of the Sky Documentaries channel.
The breakout star and charismatic driving force behind McMillion$, which begins with a single tip-off and post-it note: “McDonald’s Monopoly fraud.”
Six hours later, we learn one bad apple, called “Uncle Jerry”, has distributed $25million of prize money to a cast of friends, family and Mafia acquaintances who are the very stuff of a dramatist’s dreams and all complete naturals in front of the camera.
Some you hate at the beginning you’ll love by the end. Some you like at the start, you’ll probably learn to forgive as the final credits roll. They are the best and worst of America, with the same human frailties as us all.
And yes, technically McMillion$ is probably one episode too long, but it’s all made worthwhile by the greatest single pay-off I’ve ever seen on a documentary series.
McMillion$, Sky Documentaries, Wednesday, 9pm.
I’m lovin’ it.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
(All contributions gratefully received).
- Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In the UK the months January and February fall during which season?” Mike: “Autumn.”
- The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Football manager Louis van Gaal was born in which city?” Geoff: “Ajax.”
- The Family Chase, Bradley Walsh: “‘I Loves The ’Diff’ is a website dedicated to what Welsh city?” Amelia: “Diff.”
Random TV irritations
The Last Leg’s Adam Hills trying to convey compassion for all coronavirus victims three weeks after he guffawed at the idea of Boris Johnson dying from the illness.
Alan Carr’s right-on version of Play Your Cards Right removing the Dolly Dealers.
This Morning’s Eamonn Holmes asking some pixie-chasing Irish nut: “What does lockdown mean for Leprechauns?” (Elf-isolation).
And Springwatch presenter Steve Backshall telling us: “Some of the river rats around here have to be seen to be believed. I mean, honestly, they look like Gillian’s beavers. They’re absolutely massive.” News which left me far more worried about Gillian than the river rats.
TV quiz
Who said the following, last week. “I would guess it’s somewhere between 800 to a thousand pounds. It was the shape of a human, very large and incredibly thick.”
A) Eyewitness Derek Randles on the History Channel’s Bigfoot Files?
B) Narrator Angus Deayton on Gemma Collins: Diva On Lockdown?
Lookalikes of the week
THE joint winners of Channel 4’s Britain’s Best Parent were declared to be the last seven couples, in the country, who’ve given their children proper names instead of making them sound like pet rabbits, or something off the Dulux colour chart.
Not in the broadcast version, obviously. Just the one in my own head.
MOST READ IN OPINION
TV Gold
Special Agent Doug Mathews grabbing McMillion$ viewers by the scruff of the neck and never letting go.
BBC2’s Springwatch realising several beautiful minutes of silence was all you need to enjoy the glorious Wye Valley.
Ant & Dec’s reaction to Skin & Blister’s BGT version of Come Fly With Me: “We’ll take the train.”
And The Real Marigold Hotel star Henry Blofeld taking his biggest whisky gulp of the series to process Paul Chuckle’s invitation: “You’ll have to come and see me work somewhere.”
(GLUG GLUG GLUG). “I will. I want that very much.” Refill please, waiter.
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