There will always be some coronavirus idiots but most of us know the score
GREETINGS from lockdown central. The North East of England.
Me and the missus left Teesside, where we’re still all free (for a bit).
And headed to Northumberland, where Covid is dressed in a black and white shirt and shouting Howay The Lads from every rooftop, really enjoying itself.
Here’s what happened.
We wanted to have a couple of friends round for a drink, but that was illegal.
Instead, we went on a boat trip with ten strangers. To look for puffins and seals.
That was totally allowed. Can you figure that out?
Went to a pub — that’s allowed, too.
The bartender was wearing a mask. Standing behind a Perspex screen.
There was tape on the floor which I had to stand behind, two metres from the bar.
Put some of that bloody gel on my hands, order my drinks.
The bartender got them and then came out from behind the screen and gave them to me with his bare hands, standing eight inches distant.
What’s the point?
Went into a gift shop to buy a grinning furry seal thing. Gift shop totally empty.
Seal thing right at the front of the shop next to the till. Walk towards it.
Storeholder barks at me: “It’s a one-way system. You have to follow the lines around the shop.”
I tell her the shop is totally empty and I don’t want to walk a hundred metres for no reason.
Tell her, nicely, to stuff the seal up her jacksie. Leave without a seal thing.
Not one of the places we visited on our day-and-a-half excuse for a summer holiday had a Covid rate higher than Teesside or, for that matter, London. None of them. But they are still locked down.
Drove back to Teesside where the local authorities were sensible enough to tell the Government to get stuffed over lockdown.
You will be familiar with all this. The lockdown lunacies.
Things that even a village idiot — maybe even Matt Hancock — knows are utterly absurd.
The rules that nobody understands, least of all our failing Prime Minister.
A Government that does not know what it is doing.
But the real problem is that there is no real scrutiny of what Boris and co are up to.
In the House of Commons, his ludicrous stipulations are ridiculed, of course.
But by opposition parties that want MORE restrictions.
There are just a handful of angry Tory MPs who think this has gone too far and is ruining our lives and the economy.
And they are easily swatted away by a Government with a massive majority.
And so we’re left with a Government imposing daft measures and all the other parties demanding they should be even dafter.
In fact, there’s only one mainstream party that thinks lockdown must be stopped and that’s my lot, the Social Democrats. And we don’t have any MPs.
We have to become more sensible about this. Transfer the responsibility from the Government to the people.
Let individuals decide how they must behave. And allow the country to go on living.
Yes, there will be some idiots. But even then, it wouldn’t matter — so long as those with health conditions or are elderly keep away from crowds, limit their excursions.
The average age of those who have died of Covid is 79. This illness is of scant worry to anyone under 60.
The people understand this now — and can work out for themselves how to behave.
No nudes is good news, Gwynnie
IS there any event for which Gwyneth Paltrow will not get her kit off?
And dispatch the photo to her seven million airheaded Instagram followers?
The latest one is her 48th birthday.
Yup, a real landmark. Kit off, standing by a tree, smirking.
I wonder what she’ll do for her 69th?
Do try to keep up, kids
SOMEONE has compiled a helpful guide for younger people.
It’s a list of words people of my age use. Or used to use.
Stuff like “nincompoop”, which means “Gavin Williamson”. And “bonk”.
I’ve got a vague memory of that word but I can’t recall what it means.
There’s also “wally”, which is another word for “Gavin Williamson”. And then there’s “cad”.
That’s a man who has sex with a lady without buying her a kebab first, I think.
Other words young people don’t understand include “stop going to raves, you stupid buggers” and “freedom of speech”.
Cure for constipation
I’M thinking of patenting my sure-fire cure for constipation.
All you need do is mention the word “lockdown”.
And to judge from the empty shelves in our supermarkets, everyone’s bowels suddenly and miraculously open and they find themselves in need of multipacks of Andrex.
Ridiculous rules
ALL credit to Newcastle manager Steve Bruce.
He may look remarkably like Mrs Doubtfire.
But he’s a top football boss and a decent bloke.
He rightly lambasted the stupid new handball rule which gave his side an undeserved point at Spurs on Sunday.
It’s not often managers criticise decisions that go in favour of their own side.
But the handball rule, introduced by the International Football Association Board (IFAB), is ridiculous.
The point of a law against handball was to stop defenders deliberately stopping the ball with their hands.
Acting like auxiliary goalkeepers, in other words.
Now it’s a handball if it so much as grazes the wrist of a defender.
It’s spoiling the game and causing injustices.
The referees should ignore IFAB advice and use common sense.
I’d Lycra word with ya!
CYCLISTS want terms like “Lycra louts” banned under hate speech regulations.
Incredibly sensitive lot, aren’t they?
Determined to see themselves as victims. And restrict what we can say about them.
Mind you, it’s not a huge problem for me.
When I’m knocked off my feet by some wazzock tearing along the pavement.
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Or watch as they tear through red lights almost causing a crash.
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Or arrogantly ride three abreast on a country lane – well, “Lycra lout!” isn’t the first insult that springs to mind.
I prefer, on these occasions, something a little earthier.
It's easy, period
MORE tales from the Modern World. Paint firm Pantone has created a new shade of red.
It’s called “period red” and is intended to “demystify” menstruation.
Well, thanks a lot. I’m sure it will look lovely in the lounge.
What on earth is mystifying about menstruation?
Once a month women go doolally.
And shortly afterwards men are dispatched to Morrisons to buy packets of those little mice-shaped things.
And maybe things with flaps as well.
All very straightforward. A few days later we’re back to normal. For a bit.
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