I will always call out men if their behaviour is wrong and unacceptable – here’s what I tell them
BREAK-UPS are rarely pretty. Even when people claim the split was amicable, that they are full of love for their ex and they wish them the very best for the future, it’s often through gritted teeth.
Or it’s a necessary act of fake selflessness to make them look like the bigger, better person.
Hollywood star Jonah Hill’s split from his surfer ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady initially looked as if it was a harmonious parting of the ways.
Then seemingly out of nowhere, Sarah started posting old messages they’d exchanged, which she said showed Jonah was an “emotionally abusive, misogynist narcissist” — probably not something you’d want at the top of your CV.
In one message that he purportedly sent her about a year ago, he outlines the boundaries he insists on in order for her to be in a romantic partnership with him.
It’s pretty unpalatable stuff and makes for uncomfortable reading.
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He dictates that she would not be allowed to surf with men, model, post pictures on social media of herself in a swimsuit or, indeed, any form of sexual snaps.
He also tells her that she would not be permitted to have friendships with women who are in “unstable places” and from her “wild recent past”.
It sounds archaic. It’s the stuff of men from generations gone by, when women would be kept on a tight leash and not be free to live their lives as they wanted.
According to social wellbeing platform Communia, nearly 30 per cent of women have had a partner control or try to control their digital interactions.
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The statistics are even more worrying in the younger age group (16 to 24-year-olds), where 41 per cent have experienced this.
If they are to be believed, Jonah’s “demands” are quite extraordinary.
Speaking as someone who has been in a controlling relationship, I believe he fits the criteria of a restricting, coercive, dominating figure with all the insecurities of a man who thrives on control in order to succeed.
It’s all the more astounding as Jonah has been very open about his own struggles with mental health, anxiety and panic attacks.
On that basis, you would think he would be a man who is acutely aware of what the controlling actions of one person towards another might do.
He would surely be conscious of the fact that making demands and putting someone under duress might actually affect their mental health.
I offer NO defence of Jonah if these messages are genuine.
He isn’t just a red flag at half-mast, he’s got the whole of Pall Mall decked out.
For those of us who are now educated about coercive control, manipulation and emotional abuse, his demands make him a no-go area.
In any relationship, the moment one partner tells the other how they have to live their life, who they are permitted to be friends with or what they are allowed to post, is the time you need to make an exit plan and sharpish.
I spent time in a situation like this many years ago.
Back then, my boyfriend at the time had every intention of bringing me down several notches at every given opportunity in order that my self-confidence would gradually dissipate.
Not only that, but he also — very cleverly, and unbeknown to me — managed to distance me from my friendship circle.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
I didn’t see it for myself because I was naive and had become a nervous wreck, so I did whatever made him happy.
His need for control over me meant I found myself alienated and, in turn, was a much-diminished person by the end.
Alongside this kind of assertion and control often comes gaslighting, manipulation and being told that you’re being disrespectful for not doing as the other person says.
You’re hurting their feelings. It’s astounding how they manage to turn it back on you.
You could argue that it doesn’t benefit the rest of us to know that Jonah Hill might be a controlling and manipulative loser.
Many will label his ex as a hysterical woman, hell-bent on revenge.
Some might say she should have just left it, parked it and walked away quietly.
While we must not forget that men can also be victims of this kind of emotional abuse, women are more likely to be on the receiving end and the problem is that we’ve been accepting it for too long.
We’re done with being the bigger person and walking away without any fuss.
Sometimes the pain and injustice of a situation just gets too much.
I know for a fact that I will continue to call men out if their behaviour is wrong and unacceptable.
And I always — without fail — tell them to never treat another woman like they have treated me.
Sometimes, calling it out is just what the doctor ordered.
How you can get help
Women's Aid has this advice for victims and their families:
- Always keep your phone nearby.
- Get in touch with charities for help, including the Women’s Aid live chat helpline and services such as SupportLine.
- If you are in danger, call 999.
- Familiarise yourself with the Silent Solution, reporting abuse without speaking down the phone, instead dialing “55”.
- Always keep some money on you, including change for a pay phone or bus fare.
- If you suspect your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a lower-risk area of the house – for example, where there is a way out and access to a telephone.
- Avoid the kitchen and garage, where there are likely to be knives or other weapons. Avoid rooms where you might become trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, SupportLine is open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 6pm to 8pm on 01708 765200. The charity’s email support service is open weekdays and weekends during the crisis – [email protected].
Women’s Aid provides a - available weekdays from 8am-6pm and weekends 10am-6pm.
You can also call the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
HUGE congratulations to my wonderful friend, former TV Gladiator Diane Youdale who has just announced she is getting married.
As Jet, she was a big star on the show in the Nineties, due to her beauty and gymnastic talents.
But away from all the Lycra and over-sized cotton buds, she’s an incredibly deep, thoughtful, sincere person, and after the show finished she trained as a psychotherapist.
She’s had problematic relationships in the past but has now fallen in love with someone she met in her local supermarket.
In view of the serendipity of their meeting, I shall now be loitering with intent at my local Waitrose with renewed hope.
Just like Nigella, I've had my fill
WELL, who’d have thought it, eh?
The Domestic Goddess herself, Nigella Lawson, says she’s no longer into hosting fancy dinner parties but instead prefers to invite friends around in their pyjamas to munch on some Twiglets.
She claims that all the prep is just “too much fuss” and that she’s simply got out of the habit over the years.
I wonder if it’s an age thing.
Despite the fact that Nigella is the only woman in the world who has failed to age and definitely has more va-va-voom now at the age of 63 than she ever had, my suspicion is that we just like a simpler life as we “mature”.
I’ve never knowingly been a dinner party attendee but I am a consummate and dedicated host.
I love all the planning – the prep, the anticipation, the hard work.
I love cooking for lots of people – mass catering is definitely my jam.
And yet, the past couple of big family dos I’ve hosted have left me totally cream-crackered.
I end up pushing myself to the limit, and because my attention to detail is infallible, I am relentless in my pursuit of leaving nothing to chance. And it’s flamin’ exhausting.
So, if it’s ok with the Domestic Goddess, I might relax and kick back a bit in future. If people want to come over, I’ll be in my slippers and dressing gown, and bunging a ready-meal in the “mee-cro-wah-vay”.
DRIVING HOME-TRUTHS
HALLELUJAH! Finally, the truth is out. Despite women having been the butt of jokes about being terrible drivers, new analysis by online vehicle sales firm Carwow reveals Britain’s road safety credentials would almost certainly look better if ONLY women drove.
Apparently, we’re responsible for just 18 per cent of all motoring offences. If it was only us on the roads, there would be a 62.4 per cent reduction.
We are less likely to be convicted of drink or drug-driving, or to cause death by dangerous or careless driving.
We’re also less likely to use our mobile phones behind the wheel or to speed.
The statistics are a tad complicated because they are calculated based on female drivers doubling their annual mileage to make up for the driving not done by men.
This analysis is great news and hopefully will go some way to dismissing that old trope that women are useless at parking and driving.
Obviously driving ability is not entirely down to gender.
There are plenty of flashy, young boy racers out there who treat the roads like Silverstone. And many older motorists of both sexes who aren’t safe to be in charge of a car. I would have to say I’m a good driver.
Not showing off or anything but there is not much I don’t know about motoring as my late dad was a driving instructor, then a driving inspector.
So I have a reputation to uphold and keep him proud.
Anything less would bring shame upon my family name.
Rosie's right to use insult
COMEDIAN Rosie Jones has defended her use of an ableist slur in the title of her upcoming Channel 4 documentary about disability.
Three contributors have disassociated themselves from the film due to the title: “Am I A Retard?”
But despite this, she fiercely defends its use because she wants to reclaim ownership of the word.
It’s an insult that has been used as “a weapon towards her all her life” due to the fact she has cerebral palsy.
I totally get her and commend her courage, even if others find the word offensive.
It is offensive. It’s a word that was bandied around all too readily in the playground when I was at school.
None of us really knew the implications – we didn’t consider the hurt and upset it caused.
It’s right that we banish these words and show respect to those who have had to, and continue to, endure nastiness and contempt heaped on them because of their perceived or very real disability.
But facing the word head-on like Rosie does in her film is exactly the right way to go about it.
Those trying to distance themselves from the provocative use of the word are taking away her ownership of it.
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And worse still, they are burying their heads in the sand and denying the existence of an insult that has clearly blighted so many people’s lives.
I look forward to seeing the film. Go, Rosie.