Gary Speed’s torment at age 17 revealed in letter shared by his widow as she speaks about footie star’s suicide for the first time
Footballing legend Gary took his own life in November 2011 at the age of 42
GARY Speed's heartbroken widow has spoken about his suicide for the first time.
Louise Speed released a heartbreaking letter from the late Wales football manager - showing his struggles with mental health when he was a youth player at Leeds.
Gary - who killed himself in November 2011 at the age of 42 - wrote to Louise when he was just 17 telling her he was "so depressed".
He wrote: "I’m just going to go to sleep now and hope I never wake up."
The mum-of-two came across the letter when she was helping journalist friend John Richardson write new book about the footballing legend, reports.
She said: "Seeing that was a lightbulb moment for me. It answers an awful lot about why he did what he did.
"It’s not something a normal 17-year-old would write, is it? Or not a well one. It seems to say it all really, when you consider how he ended his life."
The Sun's Chief Football Correspondent Neal Ashton wrote earlier this month how Louise has often considered whether there was a darker, more sinister, meaning to Speed's letters.
Written before the advent of mobile phones and social media, Speed often reverted to pen and paper to express himself.
Indeed it was through letters that Speed and his future wife developed their blossoming relationship.
Speed sent them to Louise at her parents’ home in North Wales, personalising their relationship and reinforcing their bond with handwritten letters from his bedroom at his digs in Leeds.
Louise read them avidly: the hopes and dreams of a talented young player struggling with being away from his family, missing his girlfriend, reaching out for something to keep him happy between training sessions and matches.
But at times they took a darker turn, and he talked of ending it, or appearing to hint he was ready to walk away from the sport before his career had even got going.
Even now, Louise admits she finds it difficult to forgive the football icon for taking his own life.
She described the moment she discovered his body in their garage back in 2011 as like something from a "horror film".
"It’s something I will find hard to forgive Gary for. We were the ones who had to pick up the pieces and what he’d done was grotesque."
Welshman Speed became a cult hero in British football after a glittering career that took him to Leeds, Everton, Newcastle, Bolton and Sheffield United - making more than 900 appearances for club and country.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost - to suicide.
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society - from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet, it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun has launched the You're Not Alone campaign. To remind anyone facing a tough time, grappling with mental illness or feeling like there's nowhere left to turn, that there is hope.
To mark World Suicide Prevention Day, over the course of this week, we will tell you the stories of brave survivors, relatives left behind, heroic Good Samaritans - and share tips from mental health experts.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others. You're Not Alone.
For a list of support services available, please see the Where To Get Help box below.
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He had been appointed Wales manager upon retirement, just a year before his death.
Yet despite his glittering career and perfect family, Speed left no note when he killed himself in 2011 at the childhood sweethearts' mansion near Chester.
Louise added: "Everyone asks why he did it but I have no answers. That’s why I’ll never have any closure.”
The Sun has launched our You're Not Alone suicide prevention campaign.
We are encouraging people to recognise the signs to watch out for in themselves and their loved ones and to be open about their mental health in a bid to save lives.
WHERE TO GET HELP
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, , 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,
- Mind, , 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus,, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, , 116 123
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, or visit ’s website.