The 9 reasons your partner is avoiding sex – from cheating to hormones – and when it could signal a ‘silent killer’
IT can feel like you’re being repeatedly kicked down when your partner turns down your sexual advances.
Rejection stings every time, leaving you with a cocktail of emotions - feeling unwanted, unattractive, even anxious.
It’s not the only element that makes up a romantic relationship but sex is still important - for some more than others.
Dr Janine David, a specialist in men’s and women’s health and advisor to says: “Sex is one of our most basic needs and has a strong influence on our well-being. But some of us spend a proportion of our adult lives avoiding sex.
“This sexual avoidance can result in poor self-esteem, shame and distress both for the person avoiding sex and their partner.”
When one person in the relationship seems to lose interest in romping, it’s easy to question, ‘Have I done something wrong? Do they still fancy me? Are they cheating?’.
But while it can feel like a personal jab, a lot of the time, it has nothing to do with you.
Experts reveal what your partner might be going through behind closed doors - and why sex is the last thing on their mind…
1. HEALTH WOES
HEALTH conditions is the most common reason why people find sex difficult or somewhat impossible.
Dr Janine explains: “Medical problems top the list of reasons for sex avoidance.
“People with cardiovascular disease may avoid sex because of fear of a heart attack or stroke and obesity and diabetes reduce sexual activity.
“In fact, diabetes hastens a decline in sexual activity in men by 15 years.
“Blood vessels and nerves may be damaged by high blood glucose leading to sexual problems in both men and women.”
This means that erectile dysfunction is three times more likely in men with diabetes. However, medications such as Viagra can help.
The condition also increases the chances of thrush in men and women, with symptoms of itching and soreness an instant sex mood killer.
Keeping blood sugar levels under control will help to reduce outbreaks.
Chronic pain reduces the pleasure of sexual activity and may limit sexual positions.
Dr Janine says: “Pain also causes anxiety and depression which can cause lack of desire for sex.”
He adds that antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs may reduce libido.
Your GP can offer advice on what to do if you think your medications are the problem.
2. HER HORMONES
THE highs and lows of hormones play a part in many aspects of life, from skin health and mood to energy and sleep.
But, they can also impact libido as well as emotions (which in turn, affects sex drive).
Dr Janine says: “Hormonal changes experienced in women due to the menstrual cycle, pregnancy and menopause may reduce libido.”
During a woman's menstrual cycle, she is most fertile during ovulation which is roughly two weeks after her period.
Oestrogen and testosterone naturally peak at this time, which can increase her libido.
The opposite is true, however, the week prior to her period, as the female sex hormone progesterone is thought to dampen libido.
Menopause, which strikes women roughly between the ages of 45 and 51, can impact a woman’s libido as well as cause symptoms like vaginal dryness, which makes sex uncomfortable.
Dr Janine adds: “Pregnancy, childbirth and menopause are all big life changes and whilst they are linked with hormonal changes, physical changes with links to feeling less attractive also contribute to the mix of factors that may cause a woman to not want sex.”
The perimenopause is the lead-up to ‘the change’ and typically can start in the early 40s or even earlier in rarer cases.
If you think menopausal changes could be having an impact, encourage your partner to visit their GP who can discuss options, such as HRT.
Vaginal dryness and mood problems are just a couple of the symptoms that the medication can help with.
The different menopause treatments
THE main menopause treatment is hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which replaces the hormones that are at low levels.
There are various types and doses, and it's important to find the one that works best for you.
Oestrogen comes as:
- Skin patches
- A gel or spray to put on the skin
- Implants
- Tablets
If you have a womb (uterus), you also need to take progesterone to protect your womb lining from the effects of oestrogen. Taking oestrogen and progesterone is called combined HRT.
Progesterone comes as:
- Patches, as part of a combined patch with oestrogen
- IUS (intrauterine system, or coil)
- Tablets
Some people are also offered testosterone gels or creams to help improve sex drive, mood and energy levels, or additional oestrogen tablets, creams or rings for vaginal dryness and discomfort.
Other medicines can be used to treat menopause symptoms.
These include a blood pressure medicine called clonidine and an epilepsy drug called gabapentin to help with hot flushes and night sweats.
Antidepressants can combat mood symptoms if you've been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can also help.
Alternative treatments, like herbal remedies, are not recommended as it is unclear how safe and effective they are.
Source: NHS
3. TOO TIRED
IT turns out tiredness is the number one reason Sun readers don’t want to have sex.
An exclusive survey we conducted as part of our annual Health Kick series last month found 27 per cent blamed a lack of sleep - with 36 per cent of women too exhausted for love making.
This may explain why your partner doesn’t respond to your advances, let alone initiate sex.
Hope Flynn, relationship expert and founder of So What - a female self empowerment community - says: “It's like your energy just gets zapped away, making it hard to even think about getting intimate.
“And when you do try, tired muscles after a long day at work or after the gym can make things even more uncomfortable and you might struggle to get in the mood or get down to business as usual.”
Is it any wonder that Brits are tired, when life is so busy - juggling work, kids, pets and home?
Persistent tiredness, however, could put a strain on your relationship and leave one of you feeling neglected.
Hope says: “It's all about finding a balance and being open with your partner about how you're feeling so you can work together to keep that spark alive.”
Making sure you devote time to each other away from other life commitments is also important.
Book this into your diary in advance so that it’s a priority and not an afterthought to ensure that tiredness doesn’t get in the way.
If you know a time when you are most sleepy, such as the evening, have sex in the morning or at the weekend.
If you’re getting good quality sleep, eating a balanced diet and minimising stress, yet you’re still shattered, book in with your GP.
4. WHAT A FLOP
ANOTHER reason 28 per cent of Sun readers don’t have more sex is erectile dysfunction, our survey found.
And they are not alone.
“Around half of men over the age of 40 will experience ED, however younger men are also experiencing the condition; one study reported that more than a quarter of new ED cases are now diagnosed in men under 40,” says Dr Janine.
“The number of men suffering from ED is likely to rise as a result of an ageing society, increasing obesity, type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular disease, all of which may compromise blood flow to the penis and ED.”
Erectile dysfunction could in fact be the first warning sign that one of these conditions is lurking beneath the surface, therefore, it’s vital to encourage your partner to see a GP if you have noticed ED is the main bedroom saboteur.
Meanwhile, the pressure to perform, stress and anxiety are all psychological causes that can make it harder to ‘get it up’.
Smoking, excessive drinking and a love for late-night junk food binges can also impact blood flow and energy levels.
So with most causes, ED can be helped with the right approach, so it’s worth talking through its potential causes with your GP.
There are also over-the-counter options you can try, such as Viagra or Eroxon.
And while ED may occur due to ageing, getting older doesn’t mean your sex life needs to fizzle out.
What are the physical causes of erectile dysfunction?
There are four main types of physical condition that can cause impotence in men:
- Vasculogenic disorders such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes affect the flow of blood to your penis and cause erectile dysfunction.
- Neurogenic conditions, which affect the nerves and include disorders such as Parkinson's disease and multiple sclerosis, are also responsible.
- A hormonal disorder, affecting your hormones, is another example of a physical problem that can lead to impotence.
- An anatomical condition is something that affects the tissue or structure of the penis and is the fourth physical cause. Old age is also commonly associated with impotence.
5. STRESSED OUT
MORE than one in 10 Sun readers (12 per cent) say stress is getting in the way of sex.
Our lives mean most of us are spread thin and we don’t give ourselves much time to switch off.
Many of us don’t even realise that we could be living in a chronic state of stress — which negatively affects various aspects of our health.
Hope says: “Life isn’t always easy so if you're constantly worrying about work, bills, or family stuff, it can be really hard to get in the mood for sex.
“Being stressed can make it harder to relax, which can ruin the vibe when it comes to intimacy with your partner often leading to us being avoidant.
“Tackling stress depends on what is causing it. It may be a case of waiting for the stress to pass or being proactive in tackling the cause of stress such as work commitments.”
Day to day, ensuring you and/or your partner have stress-reducing practices can help you unwind and stop thinking about the day’s chaos.
This might be putting your phones away when you go to the bedroom, chatting about any worries while eating at the dinner table or going to an exercise class together at the end of the week.
Hope adds: “But if stress and anxiety are a big issue for you, talk to your GP.”
6. BOREDOM
WHILE it might be a relief to know there is nothing medically wrong with your partner, it can be tough to accept they might just be a bit bored.
Sex is great, but let’s face it - doing the same thing over and over is bound to get boring for everyone eventually!
Hope says: “Doing the same old thing in bed can get really boring and sex can become about as exciting as watching paint dry when you're pulling out the same old moves time and time again. It just feels like a routine and things might start feeling a bit blah.”
Don’t be afraid to shake things up and see if this ignites a new motivation to keep slipping back beneath the sheets.
“A little change can go a long way in keeping things fun and satisfying for both of you,” adds Hope.
“Open up about what you're into, and what you're not, and try different moves and different locations other than just the bedroom.
“You could even bring in some fun with toys or props to spice things up.
“Make sure to prioritise each other's comfort and consent when it comes to trying anything new.”
SIGNS OF A CHEAT
NATURALLY one of the first worries that will go through your mind when your partner is withdrawn from sex is, are they cheating on me?
Hope says that there are nine other potential signs to look out for alongside the lack of sex:
- Changes in behaviour: Your partner starts acting differently, such as being more secretive or distant.
- Being super private: Are they suddenly being protective of their phone or their social media accounts? That could be suspicious.
- Becoming less connected: If you're not as physically or emotionally close as before, this could show something might be up.
- Unsure of their whereabouts: Do they keep disappearing without a good reason? Or being sketchy when you ask them where they have been?
- They get a new look: Any sudden changes in appearance, like a makeover, could be a clue that they are trying to impress someone new.
- Playing the blame game: Are they blaming you for issues in the relationship out of the blue? That's fishy and could be seen as them trying to cause a problem.
- Changes with money being spent: Unexplained spending or strange charges on the bank statement could be a sign of cheating.
- Trust your gut: If your instincts are telling you something's off that probably because it is so it's worth investigating.
- Lack of transparency: They're not being open about where they're going or what they're doing, it might be a red flag.
If you’re suspicious, it’s not wise to go in all-guns blazing, Hope says.
Open up the topic with your partner calmly, listing the things you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel.
Your partner may have perfectly reasonable explanations, however if the way they’re acting doesn’t change, then broach the subject again, this time more directly.
7. BICKERING
IT’S no surprise that constantly being at each other’s throats is going to kill the sex vibe.
When arguments pile up it can cause resentment and emotional disconnect on top of communication problems.
Hope says: “If there are negative emotions between you and your partner, it’s not the best time for sex as it is likely that you or your partner could feel misunderstood, angry or hurt.
“You need trust and connection for great sex.”
There are several potential causes of continuous arguing; are you addressing issues and clearing the air as soon as they arise?
Is your communication strong, meaning you are both explaining how you feel while the other listens properly?
Do you have a healthy way of managing conflict, so that when voices start raising, you have a plan for what to do next?
All these factors can help improve communication and with time, intimacy.
Hope says: “Don’t keep fighting over petty stuff and try and tackle the real issue at hand.
“Pick your battles; some things are not worth the hassle and often aren’t even that big of a deal once you’ve taken a moment to reflect and look at the bigger picture.
“Make sure you listen, try to hear your partner out first, don’t interrupt when they are expressing themselves and then you can have your chance to speak.”
When things heat up, take a break and reassess when you’re both calmer.
Hope says: “If you want to raise an issue with your partner, don’t try to talk when you’re already in the middle of a row.
“If things are still getting nowhere and you want to make the relationship work then there is no shame in reaching out to a relationship counsellor to help you both communicate better and get that spark back.”
8. LOW SELF ESTEEM
WHEN’S the last time you asked your partner how confident they felt in themselves?
It may be that your partner is low in self-esteem.
Hope says: “This can make them want to avoid sex.
“They could be feeling undesirable, conscious about their body, fear of being judged, unlovable or be suffering with performance anxiety.”
Our bodies go through many changes over life, whether that be pregnancy, weight gain or loss, ageing or illness.
Be sure to show compassion towards your partner when communicating with them about the reasons they are avoiding sex and do what you can to make them feel wanted and loved.
Hope says: “I’m a big believer that everything comes down to communication, so if you feel that the spark has fizzled, talk about it.
“You could say ‘I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected recently’, and ask your partner how they’re feeling too.
“The chances are they might even be thinking the same thing but they too are too nervous to speak about it.”
Before broaching sex chat, Hope recommends boosting your lover’s confidence.
“This is to avoid making them feel like they haven’t been ‘enough’ for you,” she says.
